My daughter.

I can't sing anymore. I have an OK voice...actually I think I'm pretty good. I just get choked up every time I open my mouth. All my emotions are still so raw. Even singing The First Noel made me weep this morning in church. Not your typical tear-jerker of a song, is it? I guess that is how undone I really am.

My open wounds are for the children I left behind in Eastern Europe. They start to scab over from time to time. Then I can function normally and fit in with the other suburban families suffering from dreamy affluenza in my quiet little town. Then something happens, the scab is ripped off and I'm yanked back into reality again.

A couple of days ago my daughter Rose yanked me back to reality. After looking at some children on the Reece's Rainbow website and praying for them she asked me a question. A question that just about broke my heart. "Mommy, if I was in an orphanage in __ (a certain EE country), would you adopt me?"

What could I say? I had to say yes, didn't I? I said yes.

But what is the real truth?

What if we didn't know about her? What if we didn't feel we could handle another child? What if we couldn't raise the money? What if our income didn't qualify for immigration purposes? What if we made excuses? I went to bed that night completely wrecked and wondering.

Then a few days later I watched this video and the questions in my mind changed. Now the questions were more like...what would I do to be able to get to my daughter??



You see, I do have a daughter in an Eastern European orphanage. Masha. In my heart she is mine. She is one of the least of these. She is royalty. Fearfully and wonderfully made by God. I can't get to her. You call yourself my friend? I need you to get on a plane and get to her! Who will go get her and be a mommy to her for me?

But you don't know her. You have not seen her giggle and dance. Her life isn't affecting you. I know you care and it probably makes you sad that she will be sent to live in a mental institution when she turns four years old next month. But, you'll sleep just fine tonight.

And so will I. And I hate that.

She's so far away. It feels like a dream. Was I even really there? And anyway, I've done my part, right? It's not my problem.

Except that, I'm still a part of the body of Christ. And He has shown me and given me a piece of His heart. And my heart is always going to hurt for the ones left behind. I will always be reaching out, encouraging, preaching, yelling, screaming...until the rest of the body wakes up. And then we will rescue the children like Theo, and Zhen, and Masha, and God will get the glory.