Messed up tonight...

I'm a blubbering mess tonight. I can feel that fire flaming up inside my broken heart again.

It all started when I stumbled across some photos I took in Ukraine that I thought were lost. I was browsing through these photos while chatting with a friend who is presently over there adopting. She told me this story:

Friday I went in the sleeping room to see [a certain baby]. One of the babies fell back and got his head stuck in the crib railing. He was screaming and I took him out and yelled for the nannies to come. When they came I told them what had happened and showed them that the crib was now broken. They put him immediately back in his crib still screaming.

[A friend] said they really do believe that if they pick them up too much they will spoil them and they will cry more. So they put them in their cribs and leave them.

That story hit me like a sucker punch. This is what we are up against! It's so huge! I feel so small and powerless. I know that is what orphanage life is like. I was there. I saw it. I heard it. I smelled it.

But it has been almost a year and those memories are fading. Not gone, just softened by time.

As I was chatting with my friend I saw these photos and the memories came roaring back.

Here is Theo. Emaciated beyond belief. He is swallowing air. I can tell by his expression. He would continually swallow air and his belly would get hard as a rock. Then he would puke. Then he would start all over again.

The darlings in Theo's room. These kids were NEVER taken outside. Ever. And the little girl always had her hands tied up. The kids were left like this for long periods of time. No adults to be found.

Here is where I really lost it tonight. This is my sweetheart. He's looking right at me. Piercing my heart. This boy was so hungry, ravenous really, for a friendly voice or a little song. One day while laying in the big playpen, he was slapped around for daring to crawl over to see me. All I could think was, "don't these people fear God?"

My love again, trying to catch my eye. What a lovely son he would be. What a joy his mother and father tossed away.

Theo in pain.
Some days I couldn't wait until it was time to leave. How awful. But, I couldn't do anything to help him. My hands were tied.
Day after day.

Here is little miss Carrington. She would sit slumped over like this for hours at a time. No one cared. She was nothing to anybody. No wonder she wasted away.

So tonight my heart is thoroughly trashed again. I'm feeling overwhelmed by the huge-ness of the problems I'm facing in Ukraine. Am I wasting my time? Am I beating a dead horse? Will anyone come alongside me to encourage me?

How heartbroken our Father must be! These kids need so much. And yet, so little would make a big difference. I'll never give up on them. It's just hard to keep going sometimes.

Give justice to the weak and the fatherless;
maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.
Rescue the weak and the needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked.

Psalm 82:3-4